‘’The best way to recognize the negging is to identify the common signs which include backhanded compliments, comparisons with others, undermining the confidence and self-esteem, invalidation of opinions or thoughts, and disguised criticism, etc..’’.
You might have experienced a situation where someone gives you a compliment, but those words instruct your mind to think negatively about your personality, and you feel low confidence and self-esteem. This is a negging: a modern form of psychological or emotional manipulation. This term is derived from the word ‘’neg’’ which means negative feedback. In negging, a person gives backhanded compliments to others to lower their self-confidence and take control over their mind. This manipulative tactic is more commonly used with females, especially at the time of dating, and manipulators do this so that the girl or female seeks approval or validation from them. However, with the help of some signs, it can be easily identified, and necessary measures can be taken on time.
If you want to know more about what negging is and how it affects relationships and reduces confidence and self-esteem, then read this article. After reading this article, you will also get a detailed insight into the
Top Ways to Recognize the Warning Signs of Negging
Negging involves the verbal abuse that a person does in a very calculated way to another person, with the main goal of gaining attention, affection, or controlling that person completely. The manipulator gives some bad comments or compliments on another person’s personality, appearance, or behavior, so they feel less confident and rush to them to get validation or feel satisfaction.
1. Negging Can be Done Both:
- Directly
- Indirectly
Some manipulators directly point out the hidden flaws in personality, while some try to make them less obvious by using flirty sentences or words. In such cases, when you get compliments, initially, you feel happy, but suddenly, you take a pause.
Initially, a person can not easily identify the negging, but with time, it becomes more visible. Moreover, it hurts the personality of individuals. With time, their confidence and self-esteem are reduced to a major extent.
Emotional manipulation or negging is subtle initially, but after a certain time, every person feels regret about attending a certain event where they become a victim of negging. It’s not tongue slipping or any person doing it by mistake. As abuse is not physical, people don’t categorize it among the list of abuse. It happened intentionally, and with the increasing time, its negative effects increase, and the person starts doubting themselves.
2. Negging in Dating
If you are on your first date without knowing that person before, then you will find it hard to identify the intention of your dating partner. This is a negging behavior, and the person is doing this to take control over you or to make you feel insecure and less confident. That person is constantly making you feel that you are wearing something different, or looking different, or unusual. Even if it is the first meeting, if you start doubting yourself, then it is an alarming situation that you are in a toxic relationship, and you have to immediately move out of this situation.
3. Negging in Relationships
It’s not necessary that negging can only occur in new or developing relationships. In most cases, negging or emotional manipulation is also common in already established or existing relationships. A partner tries to control the behavior of the other one under the veil of feedback. This not only affects the person’s personality but also their relationships. Then, in severe cases, it results in the breaking of bonds or relationships.
Some examples of negging: Backhanded compliments
- Thank god you have finally stopped smoking. Its negative effects were becoming visible on your face.
- Well! I must say that you have the confidence to wear such dresses or show such style.
- Amazingly, you have won the national competition. But you might get amazed and learn more when you try on the higher levels.
1. Comparisons With Others
In negging, they always make comparisons with others and always make you feel low or less than them.
For example:
- You are doing well, but you should try to be like your brother, who is very intelligent and smart.
- Your elder sister is very fit and smart. You should learn from her and shape your body to become fit.
- All your classmates are now achieving success in their lives. What are you doing?
2. Insulting Words Under the Veil of Constructive Criticism
People who do emotional manipulation think that they can say whatever to others, as they can not understand them. There is not even a single element of positivity in their criticism. Whatever they say, their words or sentences directly hurt the other person.
For example:
- You were proficient in that subject, but still failed the exam.
- I know you tried hard for this song, but still, I’m not going to rate it at 10.
3. They Hide the Insulting Words Behind the Questions
They do not make direct statements to insult you; they simply ask a few questions to hide their intentions in the following way:
- Don’t consider me wrong, but are you sure that you should take this senior position?
- I’m saying this for those who do not take this responsibility because they are not capable enough.
4. Invalidation of Personal Opinion, Feelings, or Experiences
In any situation, they will first ask your advice, and when you give some suggestions, they immediately reject them. This is also a major sign of narcissism. The narcissistic individuals never listen to others and always counter others’ actions.
For example:
- If you are playing a guitar, then they will tell you to stop playing this as it is making noise.
- You are just overreacting and becoming oversensitive, as they are not saying anything bad to you.
5. They Always One-Up You
They never pay complete attention to your words. Even if you have some amazing story and you start going into a narrative, they will cut your discussion and start telling their own.
For example:
- If you announce that you got a promotion, then at the same time, they also announce their pregnancy and even start making it more apparent with the baby bump.
- You just tell them that you have planned a trip then they start explaining their experience of their long tour.
- I’m amazed that you are not considering what others think about you.
- Don’t take me wrong. I’m on your side, but are you going to participate in this competition?
6. Making You Feel Sorry for Concerns Related to Voicing
Not every person tries to stay quiet about negging or emotional manipulation. Most of the individuals try to speak up and tell what they are feeling and how negging is affecting them. But ultimately, they’ll end the discussions by making you regret it in several ways, like:
- They stop highlighting their mistreatment and try to suppress it.
- They never take your opinions seriously and always try to suppress them.
- Whatever the accusations are, they will deny that.
- Instead of listening to you, they start screaming or yelling at you.
- They start highlighting your faults or flaws.
7. Feeling Embarrassed by Compliments
A good compliment is fruitful for mood, while a bad one is enough to destroy the mood. If your partner’s compliment or comment is making you sad, then it is negging. It’s obvious that initially you can not identify the negging, but just consider how deep your smile is, or whether you are smiling from the heart. The less your smile is genuine, the more your partner is doing the negging. Likewise, your high rate of embarrassment is also linked with negging or emotional manipulation.
8. Claim Joking When You Find Out the Reality
If you find out and tell your partner that you are insulting me, then they immediately say that I’m joking to you. They always do this to protect themselves from any kind of blame. Even in some cases, they also start backlashing at you.
For example:
- They can say to you, like:
- Come on, Bro, lighten up!
- Why are you feeling it too much?
- Why are you taking it too seriously?
9. You Always Seek Their Approval
Negging lowers the confidence and self-esteem of individuals. They always ask their partners for their approval or validation in everything. Before wearing anything, doing anything, they always ask those who are real manipulators. If they approve of them, everything is good; otherwise, everything is wrong or false.
10. Inducing a Sense of Regret for Sharing the Opinions
If your partner is exhibiting negging behavior, then they will never want you to air your opinions in front of them. Even if you do that then they will make you feel that you are wrong and you are the actual problem. Moreover, they always call your opinions bad, ignorant, so you feel regret over them and then turn back to them to get validation.
11. Undermining or Suppressing the Achievements
They never appreciate your performance or success, and always try to make you feel less confident and consider themselves less capable of doing anything.
For example:
I’m surprised that you won this competition, but I wanted to see more. I think you can do it better. Why don’t you observe the performance of those who were previously the winners of this competition?
12. Redirecting the Attention to Themselves to Become a Victim
Individuals who are experts in negging are game changers. They immediately make you feel that you are the real culprit, and they are innocent.
For example:
- It’s your fault that you started the conversation.
- Why do you always start questioning me? You should ask yourself these questions.
- You must have some intention behind this question.
- Why are you not understanding me?
How to respond to negging?
If you are stuck in the cycle of negging, then you should consider the following things to get rid of negging or emotional manipulation.
1. Express Your Feelings
If you feel that your partner is showing abusive language towards you, then the first thing that you should do is to speak your heart out in front of them. Share your feelings, thoughts, and emotions to find out if they care for you or not. If they listen to you, show some support, then it means that they are concerned. If they fail to do so, it means that you should end your toxic relationship instead of getting pissed off in the cycle of bad comments or compliments.
2. Reduce the length of Discussions
In negging, your partner will always try to blame you instead of accepting your thoughts and opinions. So the more you argue with them, the more you face the bad compliments. So it’s better to make the discussions or interactions short and precise to make them productive. If you feel that it can not be possible, then end that immediately.
3. Set Clear Boundaries
In each relationship, you should set some boundaries and tell your partner what is acceptable or unacceptable. Tell them that you are not going to tolerate any kind of abusive words or language.
For example:
- You can never use any kind of harsh words for me in front of any other person.
- I expect some respectful words from you.
- If you want me to continue your relationship, then you should be respectful to me. However, if at any time I feel that your negative behavior is affecting me, then I’ll quit our relationship.
4. Avoid Returning the Insults
If someone is insulting you, then it does not mean that you should also insult them. Instead of answering the harsh sentences in the same way, try to calm the situation.
- For example, if that person is saying to you, Shut your mouth, then say to him or her ‘’OK,k I’ll be quiet, but you tell me first what the issue is so we can resolve it.
5. Point Out Unacceptable Behavior
If the person is not doing it intentionally, then a single sorry can be a game changer. However, if their negging behavior persists, then it indicates that this is their intention. So the best solution to overcome this issue is to move away from this situation.
6. Boost Your Confidence & Self-Esteem
One of the best ways to deal with emotional manipulation is to increase confidence and self-esteem. If you are confident, then you can easily say to another person or your partner what is hurting you and making you feel bad.
To boost your confidence and self-esteem, prioritize the:
- Self-care
- Mindfulness techniques
- Participating in any healthy activity or hobby
- Regularly performing any physical activity
- Journaling
- Joining support groups
- Seeking professional help
7. Use Humor to Normalize the Situation
Whatever the intensity of the situation, try to add the elements of humor in your conversation to control the situation. If you take humor seriously, then you can protect yourself and other people from negativity.
8: Identify the Type of Flirting
First, you should identify whether your partner is just flirting with you or showing negging behavior. Healthy flirting never hurts the person, while negging directly hurts and undermines the person’s self-confidence.
If you are experiencing healthy flirting, then you should observe the following signs:
- Open conversation
- Genuine compliments
- Respect for each other’s boundaries
- Excessive smiling and laughter during conversation
9. Healthier Flirting
If you want to flirt with your partner, then you can also do it more healthily.
For example:
- Share your interests, hobbies, and also ask your partner.
- Listen to your partner with attention and respond effectively after completely understanding their point.
- Consider and respect each other’s set boundaries.
- Give honest compliments, but in a very light manner.
10. Demand Your Partner for a Change
A simple apology is not sufficient. It’s good that your partner is apologizing to you, but don’t take it seriously. You should demand a change from your partner. Tell your partner to change their behavior and never repeat the bad actions. You can also guide them on the ways they can protect themselves from negging or emotional manipulation.
11. Find Professional Help
Always remember that you deserve respect and kindness. You should never be in a situation where you are treated badly. If you are unable to manage the negging or emotional manipulation, then you should immediately seek professional help from experts. They can help you determine how you can cope with negging or emotional manipulation, or make a healthy relationship with your partner.
What Are the Major Alarming Signs that Show the Escalation of Negging?
The following are the major signs that indicate that you are dealing with negging:
- Your partner is doing emotional abuse in front of others.
- Your partner is spying on you.
- You are becoming isolated day by day.y
- You are getting convinced to do those things that you do not want to do.
If you are facing this situation, then it is an alarming situation, and you should immediately think about it.
Here’s what you can do:
- Break the barrier of your isolation and reach out to your loved ones, those who can support you.
- If a point comes where you are unable to manage your condition, then you should seek help from others.
- You can also join a support group
- If you are unhappy in your relationship, then end that.
What Are the Major Therapies that Can Help in Getting Recovered From Negging?
Recovery from negging or emotional manipulation is not easy, as it is quite challenging, as individuals have to stay confident throughout their journey of recovery. The following are the major therapeutic approaches that help get relief from the negative impact of negging:
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive behavioral therapy is a type of psychotherapy or talk therapy that can help in overcoming the negative effects of negging.
In CBT sessions, experts first identify the negative, undesired, or distressing thought patterns and the associated behavior. Then they provide guidance to individuals on how they can make a shift in their negative thought patterns and also learn the best ways to effectively respond in each situation. With their improved thought patterns and behavior, they actively participate in each social gathering with high confidence and self-esteem.
2. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
The acceptance and commitment therapy encourages and trains individuals to accept and acknowledge their feelings, thoughts, and emotions instead of reacting against them. Moreover, this helps them in overcoming their distressing thoughts and related memories and empowers their mental health.
3. Schema Therapy
Schema therapy is also helpful in dealing with negging. This therapy specifically focuses on identifying and then altering the deep-rooted negative thought patterns, emotions, and beliefs that are built based on past experiences. In a schema therapy session, experts identify the maladaptive schemas and then develop strategies to change them positively. Moreover, individuals start focusing on themselves in a better way.
4. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy
This therapy is considered quite useful in recovering from any previously experienced trauma in life. With the help of this therapy, individuals learn to process and face their traumatic memories or associated thoughts. Individuals are asked to move their eyes while thinking about their trauma or previously distressing situations. With time, they stop responding to their traumatic memories and ultimately experience enhanced well-being.
5. Mindfulness-Based Therapy
Mindfulness therapy assists individuals to practice mindfulness, which involves stress management while staying in the present moment. Moreover, individuals get the emotional strength and better deal with the negging or emotional manipulation.
6. Prolonged Exposure Therapy
Prolonged exposure therapy is also beneficial to overcome the negging. In this therapy, individuals are asked to gradually expose themselves to those that trigger their traumatic memories, process them, and stop responding to them. This results in a significant reduction in negging.
7. Assertiveness Training and Nonviolent Communication
This therapy works best for individuals who are unable to share their feelings, thoughts, and emotions. With the help of this therapy, they do it confidently and also in a very respectful manner. Moreover, such individuals do not say anything harsh or do bad to others. They simply stand up and speak for themselves in a very constructive manner.
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